Tuesday, March 3, 2015

the first days

We are in our first days together, Asher and me. He's learning to eat and sleep and cry and flail his arms.  I am learning to trust.

It hits me afresh with every birth.  The utter helplessness of motherhood.

There are moments when the weight of my charge here is all consuming.  Almost every aspect of his little life falls under my direction. I feed him and bathe him and change those diapers (with a good bit of help from David:).  And yet, it is in this season that I most sense how loose my grip on life truly is. In the face of such strong frailty, I remember that we are but dust.

Sometimes I hold my breath when I walk into the room where I laid him, just 10 minutes earlier.  I watch for his breath. And hold back the thoughts that are waiting to rush forward and seize a season of joy with fear. Fear of all that might happen. Fear of all that might be or might not be.  Fear of the inevitable pain bound up in a shadowland life. 

When God gives gifts this good, this rich, this profound, my heart struggles to trust. To remember the promise that came with the child - that my wise Father has already numbered Asher's days.  He's written every single one of them in His book.  The book that was written before time began.  The Psalmist wrote it as a comfort and a praise.  I read it in moments of fear with dread. I might not like the plan.   I read it in moments of trust with peace.  His ways are higher than my ways.  

These days are sweet. It is a fleeting season and I feel the lightness of it. 

Let not fear steal moments that were intended for joy.  These first days of our together, Asher, they were made for joy. 


Lisa Marie said...

Precious thoughts, Laura. Thanks for sharing!

Glen and Bethany said...

This is beautiful, and true. I loved reading it. Celebrating this new life with you guys! -B