Thursday, May 7, 2015

unguarded gifts

May is here. Our calendar, the one we printed to organize this season, ends at May.

It seems like the minute I turned the page on that calendar, a wave of sorrow swept over me.

I don't want to leave my sister.  My sweet sister who just turned thirty this weekend. Or those precious nieces who love to play with my boys.  I don't want to have to look my mother in the eyes in that airport again.  Or drive away from my father's farmhouse with old tulips and memories. Or take my squishy baby from the arms of his grandmother.  I can't think about how sad I will feel when my boys tell me they'd like to spend a morning with Grammar and I know that it is impossible…and will be for three long years.

These are healthy things to mourn.  I need to mourn them.  That is a part of an open, healthy journey. But I also have to bring truth into the tears.  I have to acknowledge that obedience to God includes sacrifice.  And this is part of my sacrifice.

I was watching all these cute cousins play together in our driveway last week. My mom had given them a set of little horses and a stable.  There were plenty of horses to go around.  A couple of the kids were galloping through the yard, neighing and stomping with a horse in each hand.  Their horses were dancing and eating grass.  Then I noticed that all of the other horses were in the hand of one child.  She was clutching them tightly, guarding them from anyone who might be interested in trading. It was an act of childishness I've witnessed in any number of scenarios with almost every child. It was very obvious that the only child not enjoying the gift from NanNan was the one keeping a tally on the goods, afraid to lose her share.

 I stood there watching and felt the whisper of truth.

The more I cling to what is here - all the things in this place that have been source of enjoyment and refreshment in this season - the less I will or even can enjoy them.  I can't guard gifts from my Father and still be joyful and free. He is the ultimate Giver.  He has given me enough here.  And He has enough for me on the other side as well.

Gratitude is the path to contentment.

And gratitude doesn't stockpile.  It just gives thanks for the gift, the provision of the day, the blessing of the moment.

Pray for me, friends.  That these last days here would be filled with unguarded gifts.  And that I would have a heart to receive them freely and freely offer them right back up. 

1 comment:

A New Song said...

bless you, sweet friend!! praying for you!